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Table of Contents
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

TABLE OF CONTENTS


INTRODUCTION

PART I MEET THE RELATIVES:
A LENS OF UNDERSTANDING ON WHY THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO

Chapter 1 FAMILY FABLES by the Doctors Rick
 8 short stories in which you meet the Eight By Fate hard-to-deal-with relatives
The General/The Family Trip … The Judge/The Real Story of Jack, The Giant & The Beanstalk … The Pleaser /Leave It To Pleasers… The VIP/Bonaparte Family Reunion … The Meddler/Interference From Olympus… The Martyr/Santa Takes A Guilt Trip… The Rebel/The Pirate Convention … The Mystery/Mystery Of The Missing Man

Chapter 2 LENS OF UNDERSTANDING-NORMAL ZONE
We focus our magnifying glass on understanding the ways you and your family members make sense out of what it means to ‘BEHAVE’ and how that affects your dealings with relatives.
What determines focus of attention and level of engagement? Be Responsible … Be Appropriate … Be Considerate … Be Significant … It’s a Question of Balance … As Intent Changes, So Does Behavior … You Can Hear Where People Are Coming From

Chapter 3 EITHER/OR ZONE: GREATNESS OR DANGER
The zone of Either/Or is a gray area where unfulfilled intentions require you to choose between fulfillment in the Dimension of Greatness or a relentless cycle of reaction in the Danger Zone.
Thwarted & Projected … Be Responsible Becomes Need To Command … Be Appropriate Becomes Need To Criticize … Be Considerate Becomes Need To Comply … Be Significant Becomes Need To Stand Out … Lens With A Twist/Command & Criticize … Criticize & Comply … Comply & Stand Out … Stand Out & Command

PART II FAMILY CAMP: A LEARNING ENVIRONMENT FOR ESSENTIAL SKILLS

Chapter 4 GET TO COMMON GROUND
We emphasize what you already know about successful communication, bring it into your awareness, and show you how to use it with difficult family members.
Blending, The Basic Skill … Redirecting … Many Ways To Blend … Body Blending … Verbal Blending … Emotional Blending … Conceptual Blending … Blend With Listening Styles …

Chapter 5 LISTEN WITH INTENTION
Hearing is one thing. Understanding another. Here is a listening strategy to keep you interested in what you hear, and eight ways to get to the deeper meaning of generalizations.
People Want to Be Heard and Understood … Listening With Interest … Missing W’s … Vague Verbs … Freezers … Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda’s … Universals … Cause-Effect Statements … Mind Reading … Life Rulers

Chapter 6 GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER
When you identify the hidden elements of a communication, you gain valuable influence over the direction and quality of the relationship.
Positive Projections for the Eight By Fate … Reinforce Wanted Behaviors … Deal With Criticism …

Chapter 7 REACH DEEPER UNDERSTANDING
Here are two communication elements to help you avoid getting into problems with relatives, and get out of problems with relatives once it is too late to avoid them.
Doing unto Others/Behavioral Definitions … Come Together With Clarity/Criteria

Chapter 8 TELL YOUR TRUTH
Here’s an important truth. Whenever a person tells the truth, it is his or her own version of it. Own your truth and set yourself and others free, with two principles and a plan.
Know The Value Of Your Truth … Know What You Will Say … Positive Intent … Be Specific … Reveal the Deeper Meaning … Suggest Something … Reinforce Behavioral Change

Chapter 9 THE ART OF THE APOLOGY
An apology begins and ends in forgiveness, and creates the space for the present to be the endearing gift of a new beginning.
The Nature of Forgiveness… The Power of Forgiveness… Give Peace A Chance … Dextification … Great Moments

Chapter 10 CHANGE YOUR REACTIONS
Your reactions to relatives are a group of powerful associations that give you the leverage to change your world!
Create Neutral Turf … Create A New Dynamic … Find The Right Environment … Gain A New Perspective … Reverse The Roles … Find The Right Time … Change Your Mode … Change From the Inside Out

PART III FAMILY GATHERINGS, GET-TOGETHERS, SHOW-UPS and SHOWDOWNS at the NOT-OK CORRAL

Chapter 11 KNOW YOUR MAGIC NUMBERS
These numbers can mean the difference between having a good time that strengthens your family relationships, and having an awful time that damages relationships to the detriment of family.
Geography … Frequency … Time … Magic Number Worksheet

Chapter 12 DO AN OBLIGATION EVALUATION
To help you go from ‘have-to,’ to ‘don’t have to,’ to ‘don’t want to,’ or ‘really want to!’ we offer you this obligation evaluation.
State the Nature of the Relative Emergency … Acknowledge Your Feelings … Best Case Scenario … Count The Cost … Make Your Best Choice

Chapter 13 KNOW YOUR SUPPORT STRATEGIES
There are three stages to family events: Before, during and after. Giving and getting meaningful support can be an important aspect of each of them.
Lighten The Load … Command Performance … Good Excuses … Support Your Energy … Steer The Conversation … Remove Some Stress … Get Some Space … Adjust Your Attitude … Surface The Stuff … Just Listen … Make Light of It … Learn Something

Chapter 14 RULES OF NON-ENGAGEMENT
If you decide to go to an event, and you choose not to suffer, then you can go with a different attitude, or go with a different attitude and behavior. To avail yourself of one or both of these two choices, we offer you the following four rules.
Decide In Advance … Plan For Sore Subjects … Keep Your Perspective … Use Reminders


PART IV BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN RELATIVES AT THEIR WORST
Specific Options and Directions for Dealing With The Eight By Fate

Chapter 15 THE GENERAL
When the General feels responsible, then like it or no, commands are issued and compliance is expected.
Fable: Wolfie & The Major … Understanding the General … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/Let Them Be In Charge … Give Them A Choice … Agree to Disagree … Set Up A Secure Perimeter … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion: Wolfie & The Major

Chapter 16 THE JUDGE
 The Judge sets a standard that no one can meet, then pronounces judgment along with a running commentary of criticism.
Fable: Olivia Owl & Robin Robin … Understanding the Judge … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/Acknowledge, Move On … Return To Sender … Appeal the Sentence … Go For the Polarity Response … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion: Olivia Owl & Robin Robin

Chapter 17 THE PLEASER
The helpful and pleasant Pleaser, often smiling on the outside while hurting on the inside, attends to everyone’s needs to the neglect of their own
Fable: The Story of Carrie Chameleon … Understanding the Pleaser … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/ See Your Part In It … Create A Context For Change … Empower Them With Skills … Harness The Anger … Give Them a Glimpse of Greatness… Conclusion: The Story of Carrie Chameleon

Chapter 18 THE VIP
The V(ery) I(nsecure) P(erson) boasts, brags and belittles when needing to feel special.
Fable: Dena and Doug Donkey … Understanding the VIP… The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/Enjoy Them and Get Out Of The Way …Start Something Else … Give Them Something To Be Important About … Turn A Monologue Into A Dialog … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion: Dena and Doug Donkey

Chapter 19 THE MEDDLER
The Meddler thinks they know what’s best for you. So they use unwanted questions and advice, to try to manage your life.
Fable: The Life and Loves of Sasha Squirrel … Understanding the Meddler … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/Appreciate Their Intentions … Give Them A Place To Meddle … Meddle With The Meddling … Negotiate A Boundary … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion:The Life and Loves of Sasha Squirrel

Chapter 20 THE MARTYR
The Martyr is a needy giver, giving gifts whether you want them or not. Each one comes with an obligation.
Fable: The Three Bears … Understanding the Martyr … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/Look For A Chance To Give … Disrupt the Guilt Trip … Hit the Reset On Their Upset … Say No To Unreasonable Requests … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion: The Three Bears

Chapter 21 THE REBEL
The Rebel holds others responsible for their own feelings of insignificance.
Fable: The Black Sheep … Understanding the Rebel … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/ See Your Part … Hear Them Out … Propose A Solution … Draw the Line … Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness … Conclusion: The Black Sheep

Chapter 22 THE MYSTERY
When someone feeling like an outsider gets far enough outside, they become a Mystery to those on the inside.
Fable: The Ant & The Grasshopper … Understanding the Mystery … The Range of Difficulty … One Bad Turn Deserves Another … Attitude … Demeanor … Cautions … Options/A Healthy Respect For Distance … Check In … Draw Them Out … Reach Out … Solve The Mystery … Conclusion: The Ant & The Grasshopper

Chapter 23 THE DIMENSION OF GREATNESS
What follows are the top ten composite responses about what constitutes a great relative, in descending order of frequency.
Value Communication … Love Unconditionally … Accept and Respect … Give Support … Be Helpful … Keep In Touch … Be Wise With Money … Be A Friend … Let Go Of The Past … Be Fun, Optimistic, and a Positive Influence

APPENDIX
Resources for dealing with serious family pathology