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Chapter 1: Meet the Relatives,
Family Fables by the Doctors Rick
Your family members may agree or disagree with you about which of your relatives are the most difficult to deal with or the most badly behaved. Yet most people we talked with seem to have similar problems with similar kinds of behavior. With their help, we identified eight patterns that commonly occur when family members make each other crazy. Apparently, eight is enough, since these Eight By Fate patterns seem to describe the lion’s share of difficulties.
They are: General, Judge, Pleaser, VIP, Meddler, Martyr, Rebel, and the Mystery.
Some of your relatives may engage in two, three, four or more of these eight behaviors at different times, or be consistently difficult in one of them. And any one of these behaviors can lead to difficult behavior in others. But the good thing about bad behavior is that all behavior is fluid by nature, changing from moment to moment, situation to situation, and person to person. It is possible for you to have a good influence on bad behavior. The first step to gaining that influence is to recognize and understand what you’re dealing with. To that end we offer you these eight fables.

The General: The Family Trip
Joe barked orders as he drove down the long stretch of highway in the middle of the desert. “Communications officer, use your communicator to contact our next base. Tell them we will be arriving late. Number one? Do you have that navigation report yet? I need it ASAP!”

In the passenger seat beside him, Joe’s wife Mina fumbled with the map. She turned it first one way, then completely flipped it around the other way, then back the first way again.

“Is anyone listening to me?” Joe called out with frustration.

“I’m listening to you Captain!” exclaimed Tommy from the back seat. “But Darla can’t hear you because she’s got headphones on. Do you want me to disintegrate her with my space blaster?”

Joe glanced in the rear view mirror to see his daughter’s head bobbing to a beat that only she could hear. “Tommy, get her attention now.”

Tommy slugged Darla in the arm. Darla immediately slugged him back. In no time at all, they were going at it in the back seat.

“Hey, you kids!!” Joe yelled as he held the wheel with one hand and tried to whack someone in the back with the other. Unfortunately, his hand was an unguided missile, and he only succeeded in whacking the side of the baby’s chair. This woke Mary up, and she immediately began to cry.

“Aw, for crying out loud!” Joe thought to himself. The baby had just fallen asleep fifteen minutes earlier. Joe looked forward to the day when she was old enough to be ordered to stop crying.

Mina put down the map, and reached back to attend to the crying baby.

Joe ordered his wife, “Number One, Do that later! I need those navigational coordinates and I need them now!”

Mina rolled her eyes. “Earth to Joseph. We are in the middle of the desert and this is the only road. There is not another road connecting with this one for about 25 miles. So unless you plan on driving at hyper-light speed, which, by the way, you can’t, because as I recall when we were at the car dealer, you passed on that option, I think I probably have time to attend to Mary.”

Darla put her music player on pause, and helped her mom get Mary out of the baby seat.
If he couldn’t control his wife, Joe told himself, at least he could control his kids. “Communications officer Darla!” he commanded, “Get on subspace and contact our next star-base to let them know we will be arriving late.”

“I can’t do that Dad.”

“Call me Captain.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

“Well Captain Dad…” she said, voice dripping with sarcasm as she mentally counted her blessings that none of her friends were here to witness this, “I have some bad news for you. Subspace communications are out.”

“What do you mean, subspace communications are out?” Joe snapped.

“I mean the cell phone has no battery power.”

“What?! Why not?”

“Because I used it up during the first hour of this stupid trip, talking to my friends back home.”

Before Joe could react, his wife delivered some more bad news. “We are really going to have to stop soon. I need to change Mary.”

“Yeah, let’s stop, I want a milkshake.” Darla piped in.

“Yeah, let’s stop someplace where they have giant snakes!” chimed in Tommy.

“We are not stopping, until after we hit the interstate.” Joe said with finality.

“Joe, we need to take a break.” Mina said softly.

Joe countered, “We need to keep going, Number One, And don’t countermand my orders in front of the crew.”

“Why do you keep calling me number one?”

“Because you are my first officer.”

“Then, as first officer, Captain Bligh, I am telling you to lighten up and take a break, or there will be a mutiny on this ship.”

Joe fumed, “Fine. We’ll stop.”

The kids cheered in unison.

“But only for 5 minutes to use the bathroom. And no large drinks! I don’t want your bladders filling up again. We’ll have to make up for the lost time.”

--

The Judge: The Real Story of Jack, the Giant and the Beanstalk


The Giant dreaded his mother’s visits because she criticized or complained about everything. Last visit, he put her in the tower, because it had the best view, but she whined about having to walk up all the stairs. The time before, he gave her a ground floor room and she said, “What? I’m not special enough for a tower room?” So far, this visit was proving to be no different.

“Look at the way you’re dressed! A sloppy schlump! How can you expect people to fear you?”

“But Ma, it’s not easy to find size extra, extra, extra, extra large shirts.”

“Are you too lazy to do what you must to look scary? Yes, you are! Look at this place. You certainly haven’t done any yard work since I was here last. How can you let that unsightly giant beanstalk growing in your front yard? And don't tell me you can't clean up once in a while? Why fee, fi, fo, fum, it smells like the blood of an Englishman! Well, at least I hope you have taken good care of my dear goose.”

As his mom went into the castle to find her goose, the Giant rolled his big eyes, then plopped down onto the stone steps. He slumped sadly, feeling so incredibly small.

That’s when Jack emerged from his hiding place behind the beanstalk and approached the Giant.

“Hey Giant, whatsup?” he inquired pleasantly.

The Giant just shrugged, and looked away.

“It’s tough when relatives are so critical.” Jack said sympathetically.

“Hmph. Tell me about it.” the Giant muttered.

Jack went on, “I know, because my mom’s like that too.”

“For real?” The Giant turned to look at Jack for the first time.

Jack went on, “Yeah, nothing is ever good enough. And if anything goes wrong, she immediately blames me! Like, she tells me to sell the cow because we need food, right? Well, I meet this dude with magic beans…”

The Giants eyes opened wide, “Magic beans? Cool!”

“Yeah, I thought so too! He says he’ll trade me the beans for the cow.”

“Sucka!” the Giant laughed.

“For sure! But when I bring home the beans, my mom is all over me about how I never get things right. Then she throws the beans out the window!!”

“Bummer,” the Giant sympathized.

“Not!” Jack smiled. “ Overnight, it grows into this bodaciously huge bean stalk!”

The Giant’s eyes were wide with surprise. “Too cool! Guess what? I also have a giant bean stalk in my front yard!”

“I know, dude! That’s how I got here,” Jack replied.

“No way!!”

“Way!” Jack sat down next to the Giant. They sat in silent rapport for a while, staring at the beanstalk, until the Giant broke the silence. “You got any pets?”

“Naa. I mean I had the cow, but now she’s gone. You?” said Jack.

“Just my mom’s stupid goose! It drives me crazy! It honks all night long and it leaves golden eggs everywhere that I have to pick up. I wish she’d take it with her when she leaves.”

Jack’s eyes opened wide, “Golden eggs! Why would you not want golden eggs? Where I come from, gold is everything!”

The Giant started to shake, and then burst out laughing. “Around here, that’s just what comes out the back of a goose.” Then he looked thoughtful, and said, “I’ve got an idea! Since you like gold so much, how about I hook you up with the goose that lays the golden eggs? You can take it with you!”

Jack’s jaw dropped in shock, “Dude, you’re kidding!”

“No dude, really. My mom wants me to be scary, so I’ll give her scary. Here’s the plan. I give you the goose. You act scared and make a run for it, like you're stealing it. I come after you. I’ll do some ‘Fe, Fi, Fo, Fumming’ which will sound really terrifying, but just know that we're cool. Maybe I can impress my Mom and get rid of that stupid goose in one fell swoop!”

“I’m down with that!” Jack conspired. "I’ll go tearing back to the bean stalk like you are the biggest, baddest thing I have ever seen!”

And with that, Jack high-fived the Giant (really high!), while the Giant low-fived Jack (really low!) And the rest was history.

--

The Pleaser: Leave it to Pleasers

As June Pleaser vacuumed the rug, she thought about what else needed doing. 'I'll finish the cleaning, then plan the Cub Scout meeting, make those center pieces for the PTA fund-raising dinner, and prepare a nice dinner for my husband and the boys.’

Just then, June's youngest son, Woodchuck, came in with his friend Filbert.

"Hi Mom. Any of those chocolate chip cookies left?"

"Oh no, I am afraid they are all gone,"

In unison, the boys said, "Awwww."

To which Mrs. Pleaser replied, "Well I'd be happy to bake you some fresh ones."

"Gee thanks, Mom!" Woodchuck exclaimed!

"Thanks, Mrs. Pleaser!" said Filbert.

And they ran upstairs.

Before she could get to the kitchen, the phone rang. It was her husband.

"Hi honey."

"Say, dear. I have a very important business associate in town. Instead of taking him out to a restaurant, wouldn’t it be so much nicer to bring him to our house for one of your delicious home-cooked dinners?"

June Pleaser thought to herself, “Oh dear,” but to her husband, she simply said, "Yes it would.”

"Great! I also told him about your fresh bread and homemade pies, and he can't wait to try them!"

June Pleaser looked at the clock, and hesitated. But when he said, "Can you do it, honey?"

She quickly said, "Of course, dear."

As she hung up the phone, her older son Rollie walked in the front door with his buddy, Freddie Hassel.

"Hello, Rollie. Hi Freddie." she said cheerfully.

"Hi Mom."

"Hello Mrs. Pleaser. I must say, you are looking exceptionally attractive today. What a lovely dress!"

"Why thank you Freddie."

" I wish I looked that nice, but I lost a button from my jacket and now it isn't right."

Mrs. Pleaser quickly offered, "If you give me your jacket, I’ll sew a new button on for you."

"Oh Mrs. Pleaser, that is so nice of you. But I really don't want to impose."

"Don't be silly, Freddie, it is no imposition at all."

So Mrs. Pleaser got the sewing, then the baking and the cooking done, and their dinner guest was quite pleased when she volunteered to bake 50 pies for his charity event.

Later that night, Rollie and Woodchuck were in their room getting ready for bed. While Rollie checked out his complexion in the mirror, Woodchuck sat on his bed, throwing a ball into his baseball glove.

"Hey Rollie, can I ask you something?"

"Sure Squirt."

"Just today, Filbert said he didn't get all his homework done, and he didn't know what he was going to do, because if he got in trouble one more time at school he was done for."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I gave him my homework, so he wouldn't get in trouble, and instead I got in trouble! I didn't even think about it. I just did it. But I don't understand why I did it."

"Well Woodchuck, sometimes, when people are trying to be nice and stuff, they do things that they don't want to do, or even have time to do, because they want to please the other person. Did you ever notice that Mom does that a lot? Maybe you learned it from her."

Woodchuck looked thoughtfully at his baseball glove and said, "Gee."

"Yeah squirt," his brother continued, "And sometimes, late at night, I bet when Mom is taking off her makeup and junk, she probably cries to herself and wonders why nobody considers her needs."

"Gee Rollie. Do you think Dad knows?"

"Well squirt, maybe. But we are living in a late 50's patriarchal family, where the man earns the money and the woman stays home and takes care of everybody. So he may not mean to take advantage of her, but even a nice guy like Dad probably winds up doing it anyway."

"Gee Rollie, what should we do?"

"Well I don't know about you Squirt, but I have a big date tomorrow and my car is a mess. So, tomorrow, I am going to casually mention the dirt to Mom. I bet I get a free car wash."

---

Read the other 5 fables and more in the book: Dealing With Relatives