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Chapter 3: The Either/Or Zone;
Greatness or Danger

THE EITHER/OR ZONE: GREATNESS OR DANGER

Just outside of the Normal Zone, lies a gray area where unfulfilled intentions require a choice between aspiration or fear, between a positive response or a negative reaction. The Either/Or Zone is a fork in the road.

Take the road less traveled and you find yourself in the Dimension of Greatness. When people manifest the greatest aspect of their intentions, they bring the other intentions into balance to produce the best possible outcome. All intentions work together to fulfill each of them, providing a synergistic effect where the whole is truly greater than the sum of its parts. Behavioral choices are constructive, and communication facilitates understanding and positive change.

Take the low road, however, and you find yourself in the Danger Zone, where family problems reinforce each other in a relentless cycle of reaction. The range of difficult behavior is a broad one, so the Danger Zone is a vast wasteland of squandered hopes, broken dreams, obstructed desire and endless frustration.

The farther your relatives stumble into the Danger Zone, the less likely they are to use their innate intelligence and creativity to get out of it. Before long, their behavior is based on conditioning alone as they struggle to resolve a problem they don’t understand.

Thwarted and Projected Intentions

What would cause a person to venture into such a terribly limiting place as the Danger Zone? What fog could so blind a person to true fulfillment of their best intentions? For simplicity’s sake, let’s call it conditioning, through repetition and reinforcement. Once blinded by conditioning, a person can enter the Danger Zone through the fear of threatened intent or projected intent. Family members may feel threatened by their own sense of failure around their good intentions. Then they fight their fear by overcompensating for it, or succumb to it by underestimating themselves and others. Or they may project their own shortcomings and failures onto someone else, and thus guarantee their own failure.

Projections in families can be the hardest problems to solve! That’s because the person with the problem is the one who has the problem. Peer through the fog of your own conditioning to see how it works. A parent who lives with shame wants their child not to embarrass them. Siblings who grow up feeling out of place fixate on the failings of others to fit in. The disrespectful child demands to be treated with respect. The person of low self-esteem is unable to recognize the value in another. You can see how confusing this must be for the one on whom the projection falls, for it makes no sense. They try to defend themselves, yet nothing changes. Worse still, their defense may be to offer up their own projections. As each tries to resolve their own fears of failure through the other, the relationship can only get worse.

What happens when a person who won’t take responsibility for their own behavior demands that others be held accountable? When the person who never notices their own shortcomings makes it their job to point out the shortcomings of others? When a person rudely insists that others be considerate? When a person who neglects their own opportunities to make something of themselves decides to put others down for failing to take initiative? Typically, the result is that people feel angry, confused, resentful and frustrated because they are receiving mixed messages.

A Closer Look

Examine the four intentions in these two ways, threatened intent and projected intent, to get a better understanding of how they work against you and your relatives.

Be Responsible
When people want to Be Responsible and events seem to be tumbling out of control, their conditioned reaction is to take Command. Threatened and projected intent become the tickets to ride into the Either/Or Zone, where focus or polarization rests on a moment of decision. If the Dimension of Greatness is chosen, command of the situation includes attention to the greater good, the most fitting response, and making actions count. They offer guidance and support which is provided in a way that honors and invites the responsibility of others.

But when threatened intent leads to the Danger Zone, the person with the need to Command will try harder, speak louder, overwhelming or eliminating anything that might get in the way. When projection leads to the Danger Zone, it becomes an accusatory and self-defeating “You are irresponsible.” As if the end justifies the means, such a relative has no inhibition about being coercive and tyrannical.

Be Appropriate
When people want to Be Appropriate and potential mistakes in judgment threaten to create turmoil, their conditioned reaction is to become critical. This brings them into the the Either/Or Zone and a critical choice. If the Dimension of Greatness is chosen, they will define their standards and then make adjustments and corrections in their own behavior. If projected, their communication will be constructive, so it easier to hear and act on. Where others would apply emotion, they will apply logic and reason, and encourage thoughtfulness instead of rash action.

But when threatened intent leads to the Danger Zone, they will fixate on their own errors in judgment, nit-pick, find fault, highlight shortcomings and amplify the flaws in themselves that don’t fit neatly into how they think things ‘should be.’ Projected onto others, their fear takes the form of destructive complaints that can only undermine confidence and guarantee failure. Not polite enough. Not dressed correctly. Not Interesting enough. Not smart enough. Too polite. Too loud. Too fat. Too bad.

Be Considerate
When people with the intent to Be Considerate feel threatened or project their fear, their conditioned reaction is to Comply. Concerns about caring and considerate behavior bring them into the Either/Or Zone, where care or carelessness lead to greatness or despair. If the choice is for Greatness, a way will be found to find a balance between their own needs and interests and the needs and interests of others. They will offer only the help they can afford to give, and build bridges of cooperation within the family. Projections will turn into tolerance, encouragement, patience and loving kindness.

But if the threatened intent carries them into the Danger Zone, they will Comply with the directives and demands of others, and struggle with their feelings afterwards. Projected outward, they will fear the inconsiderate and uncaring opinions and behaviors of others, ignore their own better judgment and keep their true feelings to themselves.

Be Significant
When people want to Be Significant, and their intent is threatened, the conditioned response is to Stand Out. This places them in the Either/Or Zone, where they must choose between meaning or misery. If they choose Greatness, they will find ways to contribute positively to those whose opinions matter, be attentive to unmet needs, and volunteer their help when possible. They will apply their comparisons only to themselves, seeking to outdo their past achievements or rise to new heights with greater commitment and determination.

But if they choose fear instead, and enter the Danger Zone, their need to Stand Out will make them impossible to ignore, and their projections will cause them to put others down as they puff themselves up.


And so it begins. These four changes are only the beginning of the metamorphosis that our relatives undergo. The Either/Or Zone is a choice point between being a great relative, or one that is difficult to deal with. And all too often, people choose the Danger Zone over the Dimension of Greatness, and behavior goes from bad to worse.

The Danger Zone
While most everyone has the potential for greatness, the remainder of this chapter deals only with the ‘Eight By Fate’ difficult behaviors that occur in the Danger Zone.

Be Responsible becomes need to Command
Once the intent to Be Responsible transforms into a need to Command, it manifests itself as what we shall dutifully describe as The GENERAL.

THE GENERAL
The General knows what must be done. As for those who don’t, the Danger Zone General views them as dependant, powerless, and unable to act responsibly. The General attempts to take and keep command with a withering stare, threats and intimidation. Opposition is eliminated and martial law is declared. Seemingly crazed behavior is meant to get others back off, stand down, and shut up, until the territory is secured. And while some relatives may get away to cultivate their opposition, most learn to comply because it is easier than life on a battlefield.

Be Appropriate becomes Need to Criticize.
When the intent to Be Appropriate transforms into a need to Criticize, it manifests as The JUDGE.

THE JUDGE
A disgruntled perfectionist in an imperfect world, the Judge may tell you what is on their mind. Or they may give up and step back, arms folded, mind enfolded in cynicism and hopelessness. Deciding that nothing ever really measures up or works out, they waste no time hoping for it and less time doing anything about it. Instead, they pass sentence and assign punishment. After all, the situation is out of order, and so are you.

Be Considerate becomes the Need to COMPLY

When the intent to Be Considerate turns into the need to Comply, a person is likely to become a Pleaser.


THE PLEASER
A soft touch for those in need, the Pleaser gives all but asks for little. They forget to take care of themselves, but take care of everyone else. When there is nothing left to give, they borrow from the future to give some more. All the while, the Pleaser wonders why they good they’ve done unto others isn’t being done unto them in return. Resentment leads to subtle and unconscious acts of sabotage, and their lives become a mess. Then they bring their problems to the family, and the family reacts.

The Intent to Be Significant becomes a need to STAND OUT.

When the intent to Be Significant goes unfulfilled and becomes the need to Stand Out, you’re dealing with the V.I.P.

THE VIP
This ‘very important person’ is a legend in their own mind. Quite possibly, this is also a ‘very insecure person’ deep down inside. The VIP may cut others down in order to seem taller, or play a game of one-ups-man-ship, all for the sake of attention. They may claim to have special knowledge not available to others, or simply act like a snob. And should a conversation turn to something they know nothing about, the VIP will twist it, turn it and rearrange it until they’re back in the center of it. They live in the shadow of their own inadequacy, or pull in so much light that everyone else is left in their shadow.

The Lens with a Twist: When Worlds Collide

Some intents overlap and combine, creating even more difficult behavior in your family.

Be Responsible and Be Appropriate: COMMAND & CRITICIZE.
When the intent to Be Responsible and the intent to Be Appropriate unite around a perceived threat, the combined need to Command and Criticize gives birth to the MEDDLER.


THE MEDDLER

They put their nose in places they don’t belong. They ask inappropriate questions, invasive and personal in nature. They comment on your relationship, and give unsolicited advice. They show up where they’re not invited. The Meddler doesn’t seem to know what meddling is. Combining the critical eye of the Judge with the bias for action of the General, they try to micro-manage your life, to make your life conform to their expectations. They insist on doing things for you that you do not want them to do, because they’re certain they are right.

Be Appropriate and Be Considerate: CRITICIZE & COMPLY.

When the intent to Be Appropriate combines with the intent to Be Considerate, the conflicting needs to Criticize and Comply make for a great MYSTERY.

THE MYSTERY
Their critical self has judgments about their family, or fears the family’s judgments. Their compliant self has nothing nice to say, so they say nothing at all. The Mystery knows what is wrong that cannot be set right. But two wrongs don’t make it right. So they don’t call. They don’t write. And at their worst, they disappear from your sight. They wear their isolation like a cloak, keeping a low profile around the family, or withdrawing from it altogether. The tactical withdrawal along a planned escape route keeps the Mystery alive, in the pervasive concern that’s left behind.

Be Considerate and Be Significant: COMPLY & STAND OUT.

The need to Comply with what you want combines with the need to Stand Out for doing it , making a MARTYR who does unto others with a lot of strings attached.

THE MARTYR
This is a needy giver, and none of the gifts are free. Since a lot of what they give is unsolicited, they don’t get the appreciation they crave. Their efforts become their burden, weighing them down and making more work of their efforts. They resent having to carry that weight, and that’s when they come to you. They take you on a guilt trip, hooking you in with all they’ve done. "How could you do this to me?" they’ll ask. “What haven’t I done for you!” they’ll declare.

Be Significant and Be Responsible: STAND OUT & COMMAND.

When the intent to Be Significant and Be Responsible becomes the need to Stand Out and Command, the result is the REBEL.


THE REBEL
The Rebel challenges authority and refuses to cooperate. Their methods include running away, building opposition, throwing a tantrum, and undermining your support. If they can’t have their way, neither will you. If they can’t get away, they blow up. Family members may fear the Rebel and walk on egg shells around them. Some will judge the Rebel’s bad behavior, only to find they’ve provided an incentive for more.


TO SUMMARIZE:

* Be Responsible/Command/General
* Be Appropriate/Criticize/Judge
* Be Considerate/Comply /Pleaser
* Be Significant /Stand Out /VIP
* Be Responsible and Be Appropriate/Command and Criticize/Meddler
* Be Appropriate and Be Considerate/Criticize and Comply/Mystery
* Be Considerate and Be Significant/Comply yet Stand Out/Martyr
* Be Significant and Be Responsible/Stand Out and Command/Rebel

As you were reading these eight descriptions, you may have glimpsed some of your own behavior. That means you could be the reason someone else is reading this book. That’s lucky for us, but not so good for you. Don’t take it too hard, though. Who hasn’t needed a little respect, agreement, approval and recognition on at least a few occasions? Who hasn’t been hurt, angry, resentful or ridiculous once in a while? Just like you, your difficult relatives react to what they think is going on as it relates to what they are trying to fulfill. Their behavior is observable and your behavior is changeable. What you do about this is up to you. But you’ll need some basic skills if you want to make the most of your situation. In the next section of the book, we’ll explore these basic skills.