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Chapter 16: The Judge

Olivia Owl & Robin Robin
“Hi there Auntie Olivia.” chirped Robin.
“Well whoo, whoo, is this” replied Olivia Owl, “but my favorite niece Robin Robin.”
Robin landed on a branch perpendicular to her Aunt Olivia’s, so that she could look into her big yellow eyes without having to turn her own head. Although Robin had known Auntie Olivia all her life, there was still something disconcerting about the way she looked at you directly, with both eyes at the same time. It was almost…human, and it made Robin’s neck feathers tingle. But one thing was certain, Olivia Owl had a penetrating gaze that could, and usually would, look right through you.
“So Auntie, I heard you went to a flock party? How was it?”
“Well the food was terrible. The nuts were so hard that everyone had problems getting them open. Except, of course, that old bird Tara Toucan. Can you believe the beak on that bird? And you should see her colors! Why I never! Perhaps that’s what they wear in the jungle, but she will never make it in this forest dressed like that.”

“Well, Auntie Olivia, wasn’t there anything you liked about the party?” Robin Robin chipperly inquired.
“How can you like a party with food like that? For one thing, everyone knows you don’t serve worms at a flock party. They simply won’t stay fresh. And all those seeds, seeds, seeds. Not a single fieldmouse. I am a carnivorous bird, you know. I think they were just being cheap, cheap, cheap.”
Before Robin could reply, Aunt Olivia went on.
“You remember Daisy and Dahlia Duck, your distant cousins? They were there too. I know they are amphibious birds, and yes, they do have to float, but you can’t tell me their backsides have to be that big! I just don’t understand whooo, whooo, could let themselves go like that.”
Robin fidgeted nervously on the branch. She didn’t like hearing Aunt Olivia putting down any of the many members of her extended family. But Olivia didn’t notice, and continued her commentary.
Suddenly Olivia Owl became very focused, gazing off into the distance. Robin didn’t see anything, but Olivia said “Don’t look now and don’t say anything. Here comes Betty Blue Jay.”
From a distance, Robin heard Betty’s unmistakable loud squawk. “Hello Olivia Owl! Hello, Robin Robin!”
“Hoo, Hoo, to you Betty, “ they replied, as Betty flew into view and then flew away. “ My, aren’t you looking nice!” Olivia called after her. As Betty disappeared from view, Olivia turned to Robin and said “What blue trash!”
But Robin could barely hear what her auntie said, because of a deafening noise overhead. She looked up to see a flock of at least 30 crows. They circled a few times, squawking loudly, then rumbled off toward the horizon. Aunt Olivia Owl muttered, “Ycch, a Crow gang. That’s all we need, a gang of crows stirring up trouble around here. There goes the forest! A bunch of avian hooligans, that’s what they are. Making all that noise. Do they think our auricular areas are ornamental? Look at them. Common crows and they think they are so tough, flying around in those black feather jackets.”
Robin Robin’s fidgeting intensified. She didn’t want her Auntie to know that she was dating the leader of the flock. Perish forbid that Olivia might turn her critical eyes on Robin! “Well Auntie,” she said nervously. “It was nice visiting with you but I must fly!”
“All right Robin. Wait, turn around and let me adjust your tail feathers. You are the symbol of spring and have a reputation to keep up. You shouldn’t fly around all ruffled, as you so often do.”
And as Robin Robin flew away, she couldn’t help but wonder what Olivia had to say about her when she wasn’t around.
The Judge sets a standard that no one can meet, then pronounces judgment along with a running commentary of criticism.

Understanding The Judge

In our Lens of Understanding, the Judge’s behavior originates in the normal zone, out of the positive intent to Be Appropriate.

There are two ways that the intent to Be Appropriate can lead to the Judge’s difficult behavior:
1. Threatened intent: Fear of being inappropriate.
2. Projected intent: Identifying inappropriate behavior in others.

The Judge’s behavior begins when someone who wants to Be Appropriate rises to the bench in the courtroom of discernment to determine what is truly proper in a given situation. The observation is made that someone or something is out of place, out of step, out of accord, or has failed to conform to their high standard That’s when the intention becomes the need to Criticize and the Judge appears. The behavior then moves from the normal zone to the Either/Or Zone.

But the Either/Or Zone is a fork in the road, a choice point out of which comes greatness or danger.

In the Dimension of Greatness, the desire for appropriateness and the willingness to examine things critically can provide critical advantages to the family. Wanting to do the right things for the right reasons, a great Judge is discerning and wise, tough but fair, and offers valuable insights, information and ideas to assist others in bringing about the best possible results.

Whether in matters of appearance, decorum, business practice and ethics, the management of financial affairs, or raising healthy and confident children, a Judge in the Dimension of Greatness helps assure that critical thinking is applied and a reasoned approach is taken, and makes evident those details that might escape the attention of a casual or careless observer.

But if they take the other fork in the Either/Or Zone, by polarizing out of fear or projection, the behavior moves to the Danger Zone.

The Danger Zone Judge, instead of providing guidance and clarity, becomes critical, finding fault in everything and everybody. The internal demand to Criticize keeps growing in intensity. Then the Judge is perceived by the family as a disgruntled perfectionist, a hopeless cynic, or a relentless nitpicker.

The Range Of Judgmental Behavior

In the court of the Judge’s opinion, you’re either innocent or guilty. There are few shades of gray to interfere with their judgment, but several ways to hold court.

There is the small claims Judge, who complains to each family member about the failings of every other family member. They present their evidence, pass judgment, and then pass their judgment along as gossip and rumor.

There is the nit-picking Judge who fixates on details of no real consequence, like the neat freak that keeps cleaning up after cleaning up. This Judge prefers order in their court. In an effort to build a wall against the chaos, they cover the carpet and furniture with plastic, and then close off the room so that it cannot be disturbed by human touch.

There is the ‘Hanging Judge’ who throws the book at you if you disagree with anything. Hung up on their own point of view, they impose their own rules, and pound the gavel to drown you out if you keep trying to argue your case. In their court, their judgment is supreme.

There’s the cynical Judge who only looks up to tear something down and believes that others are motivated only by selfishness.

Finally, there’s the Probation Officer that likes to look over your shoulder because you are in their domain. They will tell you what not to do as you do it, what will go wrong before it happens, what doom awaits you if you take unapproved of action, and what never was or will be right no matter how hard you try.

One Bad Turn Deserves Another

The Judge’s difficult behavior is not without consequence. It produces difficult behavior in others! Relatives learn to fear the Judge’s critical eye, by keeping to themselves, like the Mystery who reveals nothing personal to avoid the personal intrusions. Others may come to judge the Judge, and thus become a difficult Judge themselves. And some relatives turn into difficult Rebels, resenting the relentless criticisms and negativity, and acting in opposition to the Judge’s very definition of right and wrong. Others become Pleasers, trying and failing, over and over, to measure up to the Judge’s impossible standards. The Pleasers struggle with low self-esteem and depression in their relationships with the Judge, as they internalize the criticisms and learn to apply them to themselves.

The Damage Done

The problem behavior causes harm to both the Judge and to those who must deal with him or her. The Judge may wind up in constant pain because the world refuses to conform to their standards. The Judge may wind up with no influence whatsoever over situations that actually could be made better by a constructive approach. Over time, the Judge may develop such a sense of helplessness and hopelessness that it becomes profound inertia and despair. This creates an atmosphere of doom and gloom around them, an emotional hazard for any who might get too near. This atmosphere, over time, may come to isolate the Judge completely, as family members choose the easier path of avoidance because they can no longer tolerate the certain criticism and ever present negativity. As for the loved ones who have internalized the criticisms, nit picking and fault finding, they come to view themselves as let downs, and their feelings of failure become their undeserved reward for their failed efforts to measure up.

Dealing With The Judge

Attitude
Get defensive and you condemn yourself. Say nothing, and you seem guilty. But you don’t have to correct the Judge, if you correct yourself instead. If your highest priority is self-defense, and you don’t want to be found in contempt in the courtroom of their opinion, then let go of the need to correct them when they are wrong about you. Instead, correct yourself. The attitudinal key to dealing with the Judge is to counter their negative rulings, whether stated directly or implied, in the privacy of your own mind. You do this by telling yourself the positive corollaries to their negative judgments.

They say or imply: “you are a lousy friend.”
You say to yourself: “I am a good friend and that is why I am still on the phone.”

They say or imply: “You totally screwed it up.”
You say to yourself: “I know I did the best I could.”

They say or imply: “I was waiting for you for a half hour and set down my package, and so it is because of you that I forgot about it.”
You say to yourself: “It was not about me, she set it down.”

Doing this will help you to keep your perspective. Offering encouragement to yourself is the ray of light that keeps your thinking bright in the otherwise gloomy presence of criticism.

Demeanor
Your demeanor must indicate that you have nothing to defend, but that you do have a case to make. Be wary of making big leaps of logic. It is essential in your approach that you go slowly, step by step. A wry amusement may be useful in this regard, as it indicates that the charges don’t really apply to you. Avoid saying anything sarcastic, though. When you present your case, you must build it in a way that says, "A careful examination of the evidence is all that is required of you. I am certain that when you have considered what I have to say, you will draw the appropriate conclusion.” Be dispassionate, at least until your closing argument. A calm, methodical, logical and consistent approach is the best way to get past the guards and get your day in court.

Cautions

Don’t question their judgment. If you do, they will likely fine you for contempt. If you tell them they are wrong, they will infer that you are out of order! Instead, recognize that what they’ve said reflects their view of the facts. You aren’t there to contradict them. You are there to offer new evidence, or interpret the facts in a new way.

Beware of the polarity response when dealing with criticism and negativity. The polarity response makes them want to go the other way when you ask them to go your way. You may be familiar with this, if you ever dealt with a two year old child:

You: “Time for bed.”
Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
You: “I said it’s time for bed.”
Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
You: “Alright you have to stay up all night.”
Child: “But I’m tired.”

Adults do this too! In some ways, criticism is, by its nature, a polarity response to the unruliness of life. That means that judges have a well-developed polarity response, and you would do well to avoid it. Contradiction drives them into it. A logical case leads them out of it.


Here Are Your Options

When dealing with the Judge, your options include (but are not limited to) the following:

- Acknowledge, Move On
- Return To Sender
- Appeal the Sentence
- Go for the Polarity Response
- Give Them a Glimpse of Greatness

Option: Acknowledge, Move On

This option works great with the small claims Judge. Sometimes, you’re better off to acknowledge the judgment and then move on, rather than taking the time and expending the energy to try and change their mind. If you choose this option, give thanks for their good intentions, and then go your own way.

` “Thanks for being honest with me about how you feel.”
“Thanks for bringing that to my attention.”
“Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions.”

If the judgment is about someone else in your family,

“Thanks for wanting their life to work out.”
“Thanks for letting me in on what you’re thinking.”
“Thanks for your insights.”

Then change the subject, get up and move, or offer to get them something.
(See Backtracking in Chapter 4, Positive Intent in Chapter 6)

Option: Return To Sender

This option works well with the nit-picking, fault finding Judge. If you are tired of hearing the Judge passing judgment on other relatives that you care about it, you can return the judgment to its owner by asking the Judge to own the judgments. It may be obvious to you that others don’t want to go by the Judge’s laws. However, it may not be obvious to the Judge. That’s because they are referring to an internal law-book of their own making, and mistakenly assume everyone has a copy. The best way to let them know that nobody else has the book is with a gentle backtrack and then a question regarding the authority by which they are passing judgment.

First, backtrack the judgment, so they will know what you specifically are referring to. Use as many of their words as possible, so there is no mistake about it.

“When you say that people shouldn’t be seen in public that look like that, I’m curious to know how you decide that? According to whom?”

“When you say that the proper thing to do is keep your mouth shut and don’t talk back, how do you know that? That’s the proper thing according to whom?”

If the response you get is a generalized “Everybody knows it,” then ask for the specifics. If they say “everyone,” ask “Who specifically?” If they say, “always” ask “When specifically?” If they say, “It’s just common sense!” bring it back around by asking, “Common sense to whom?” If they say, “Any thinking person?” ask, “To whom specifically is this common sense?” Keep bringing it back around until it lands squarely in their court. You’ll know it’s back in their court when they say “Me!”

Option: Appeal the Sentence

Here’s the situation. Suppose you’re dealing with the ‘Hanging’ Judge. A negative comment is made about you, or about someone in your family that you care about who is having a hard time with the Judge because of all the judgment. The judgments follow the comparison format of “you’re too much” or “you’re too little” or “you’re not enough,” or “you’re not even close.”

Bringing your appeal to the Hanging Judge’s court only applies if you have specifics about new or unexamined evidence that directly contradicts the Judge’s opinion. For example, the Judge says, “Your daughter isn’t even trying to lose weight.” If, in fact, you know what steps your daughter is taking to lose weight, you can introduce new evidence. Ask a leading question, while suggesting an explanation for how the Judge was unaware of the information you are presenting. The information you offer reveals to them that their generalization isn’t accurate.

“I can tell this is important to you. (Positive projection.) I guess you didn’t know that she has cut out sugar and simple carbohydrates from her diet the last three weeks? (Leading question that introduces new information) She has been talking with me regularly, and is very frustrated with how difficult this is for her. Yet she perseveres, and I’m proud of her because I understand how much effort this is going to take to see it through.”

Then, if you have an alternate sentence to suggest, offer it, in order to shift the Judge from judgment to constructive action. Engaging them in this way gives them a chance to revisit the Either/Or Zone, and make a new choice. If your information is solid, and your references as a character witness are good, this may be enough to influence the thinking of the Judge, reducing the sentence to time served, or at least diminishing the harshness of their criticism for the moment.

If a public judgment is happening to someone else in your family, and you want to help them out of the awful situation, then try making your appeal public. Say something nice to the person being judged, and ask them to account for their success or progress. To the person being judged for their appearance, you might say “You look really nice, what have you been doing? Whatever it is, keep it up.”

If, however, the judgments are directed at you, take your appeal to the higher court of your own opinion. This is the attitudinal approach we recommended earlier in the chapter. Place yourself under the influence of your own attitude, by introducing counter examples of their judgments to yourself. If someone criticizes you for the way you look, say something in the privacy of your own mind to encourage yourself. “I’m making a big effort to deal with this, and I’m making progress.” If someone says “You are to blame!” say to yourself “I’m doing the best I can. Their accusations are about them, not about me.” Maybe you can’t tell the Judge the truth because they can’t handle the truth. But you can handle it, so make sure to tell it to yourself! This keeps free of their negative characterizations, strong in your own knowledge of the facts, and focused in their presence in spite of their behavior. It’s bound to influence their opinion of you in the long run, and it keeps you in charge of your own destiny.

Option: Go For The Polarity Response



A common mistake made with the Judge is trying to change their mind. Unless you’ve been granted an appeal, you are wasting your time. However, you can use their judgment intentionally to get them to go from prosecuting what they find offensive to defending it!

Lucky for you, the Judge has a strong polarity response. While it is both ironic and paradoxical, the fact is that people who judge others tend to strongly dislike being judged themselves. Simply crowd them out of the role of prosecutor, by taking what they said and saying it in an even more polarizing manner, offered in the form of a question.


Judge: “Jeff doesn’t apply himself in college. He just plays and runs around all the time, and acts like it doesn’t matter. He is a disgrace to the family.”
You: “You think Jeff is intentionally trying to disgrace the family? Do you think he’s stupid?”
Judge: “No, I’m not saying that.”
or,
Judge: “Loretta doesn’t care how other people see her. She always looks like a mess, and it is embarrassing.”
You: “You think she doesn’t know how she looks? You think she likes looking that way? You don’t think she hates looking that way?”
Judge: “Well, no, of course she hates it!”

Notice that the Judge goes opposite to the question in both of these cases, and affirms something opposite to their original judgment. That’s the beauty of the polarity response. You don’t have to convince anyone. You get them to convince themselves.

Then you can provide some reinforcement for the Judge’s new position.

You: “I am relieved that you know that.”

This has the potential to put the Judge back in the Either/or Zone. Typically, the Judge will then express regret over their own helplessness to bring about a change for the better. If ever there was a time to offer a suggestion, this is it!

Judge: “I just wish she would listen to me.”
You: “I have found that what works best in this kind of situation is to offer encouragement. When people feel bad, they don’t change. When people feel successful, they accumulate successes.”

Option: Give Them A Glimpse of Greatness

Sometimes you have to draw a bigger line, and tell your problem relative the truth about how their behavior is self defeating, and what you think would better instead. The overview is the same for honesty with any of the problem behaviors. Plan it, write it, rehearse it, pick your time and place. (See Chapter 8 for more details) Your goal of honesty is to give them a glimpse of greatness.

#1 Positive Intent
#2 Be Specific
#3 Reveal the Deeper Meaning
#4 Suggest something
#5 Reinforce behavioral change

However, there are a few aspects of honesty specific to the Judge:
#1 Positive Intent: Appreciating their attention to right and wrong is a key element to gaining access to their willingness to change.

You can tell them you appreciate
“…wanting her to do the right thing.”
“…the way you care about this appearance”
“…wanting this to turn out well.”
“…wanting me to have a good life”
“…wanting me to have a fulfilling relationship”

#3. Reveal the Deeper Meaning. Show them the benefit of change by revealing the self-defeating consequences of their behavior. It is likely that they are looking at a detail and failing to see the big picture. You want to create a clear example of how their behavior is self-defeating. “When you did this, here is what happened.”

or

“You are losing the people you care about because when you say critical things to them about others, they worry about what you will say about them behind their back. Then they want to stay away from you.”

or

“Because she tries to be nice, she doesn’t say anything to you when you say these things to her. But I know she internalizes your feedback and uses it to feel bad about herself. This lowers her self-esteem even further, which makes it even less likely she will make the right choices that are so obvious to you.”





Olivia Owl & Robin Robin

The day had arrived for the big migration to the south. The migratory birds had packed their nests and were saying their goodbyes to the non-migratory birds.

Robin Robin had prepared for this moment for over a month. It wasn’t the migration that concerned her! She had done that many times before, and could do it with her eyes closed. But today, when she said her goodbye to her Aunt Olivia Owl, she planned to talk with her about her critical behavior.

Robin landed on a nearby branch, and chipperly chirped, "Greetings Auntie Olivia!"

Olivia Owl sat silently staring, her big yellow eyes focused unblinkingly on Robin Robin. Feeling intimidated, Robin’s resolve briefly wavered.

Finally Olivia Owl spoke. "Well I’m glad someone had the decency to fly by to say goodbye. Dahlia and Daisy Duck are already gone. Of course given how plump they are, they probably need an extra day to fly. Have you seen your brother, Ray Robin? I haven't. Maybe he flew into a glass window and knocked himself out, like he did last time. Sitting there on the ground unconscious for all that time, he could have been gobbled up by somebody's housecat. But it serves him right for zooming around so recklessly. Whoo knows! Perhaps the impact is what made him forget his manners. I heard the Geese have already left too and I haven't even heard a word from Gabby or Gertie Goose. As Canadian geese, I expected them to be a little more polite than some of the locals!"

Robin Robin knew she couldn’t be a chicken. She had to talk to Aunt Olivia because she could no longer stand the constant stream of critical comments, but she loved her aunt and knew she meant well. Robin didn’t want to become one of the many birds that were permanently migrating out of Aunt Olivia's life. She took a deep breath.

Olivia seemed to stare at her more intently. "Why are you fidgeting so much? Are you in hurry? If you need to fly off, go ahead."

Robin looked directly at Olivia, "No, I’m not in a hurry. It's just that I love you, and I have something to tell you that is very important for me to say and you to hear. But it is difficult to say it."

"Well Hoo, Hoo, I love you too Robin. What could be so difficult? Just say it!"

"As you wish. Auntie, I know how much you care about everyone. And because you are nocturnal and carnivorous, you have exceptionally good eyes, so you see the details that others often don’t see."

Robin paused, as Olivia sat in silence with those big yellow eyes staring at her. Then she continued.

"But the things you say sound so harsh to me. You have so much wisdom to offer, but some of the things you say sound harsh, instead. So I have to ask you. Do you really think Dahlia Duck doesn’t care how she looks? Do you really think she is trying to be a disgrace?"

"No! Of course not."

"I am relieved to hear that."

"I just wish she would listen to me. She really doesn't have to be that large."

"Have you influenced her at all, Auntie?"

"It doesn't seem so. I swear, she must be preparing herself to become a dish of Peking duck at a Chinese restaurant."

Robin went on, "Well, I find that encouragement works better than criticism in these situations. Because if you only tell her what is wrong, she feels bad about herself. And when she feels bad, she heads straight to the park, and starts quacking to the humans for more bread. And it isn’t just her. Do you really think that all the migratory birds just forgot to say goodbye? Is it possible that some of them didn’t want to? Because when you tell a bird critical things about other birds, the bird you say it to worries about what you say about them when they are not around. They may stop coming around to avoid your criticism. And if they stop coming around, you lose the opportunity to help them.

Olivia blinked her big yellow eyes and shifted her position on the branch. Robin thought to herself, 'Wow, Auntie is actually uncomfortable. I didn’t know she was capable of discomfort!' Robin knew there was no turning back now. "Auntie, I know a secret way to get people to like and listen to you. Would you like to know what it is?"

Olivia blinked again and said, "Pray tell Robin, what is it?"

"All you have to do is say nice things about others when someone comes around. And instead of telling others what is wrong, ask them how you can best be of assistance to them! You have a lot of help to give, but you have to say it in a way that others can hear." They sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Robin finally broke the silence. "Well Auntie Olivia, I am really going to have to fly. I love you! Have a nice winter." She then turned and said, “Do you want to help me fix my tail feathers? I can’t go flying around all ruffled.”

Olivia Owl blinked her big yellow eyes, “That’s all right Robin Robin, you look fine just as you are.”

They sat for another moment and then Olivia said, "Thank you Robin." Then Robin flew south for the winter, looking forward to returning in the spring more then she ever had before.

The moral of this story is that a little bit of encouragement goes a longer way than a lot of criticism.


Quick Summary:

- Acknowledge, Move On
- Return To Sender
- Appeal the Sentence
- Go for the Polarity Response
- Give Them a Glimpse of Greatness